Thursday, March 11, 2010

What I Think Of: Tooth Fairy (2010)

Yeah I saw this movie. Stop judging me. This Tooth Fairy is not to be confused with the 2006 low-budget horror movie, The Tooth Fairy, although it is debatable if this film isn't a horror movie as well. This 2010 family comedy stars "no-longer deserves to be called The Rock" Dwayne Johnson as a faded hockey player jerk who must serve as a "tooth fairy" when he tells a young girl that tooth fairies don't exist and learns that maybe sometimes, all we need to believe in is a little magic. Naturally, hilarity ensues. Here are some of my initial thoughts right after seeing Tooth Fairy:

  • Here's my open letter to Dwayne Johnson: please Mr. Johnson, stop making these awful family films. Now I don't know why you decided to stop making action films. Maybe you were tired of them, maybe you wanted to make movies your kids could see (do you even have any kids?) and I can see why you perhaps stopped making action flicks (less chance of getting hurt), but these family films you make aren't even any good. They're not even Hulk Hogan in Suburban Commando good. Yeah you have charm and that's why I still continue to watch your films, but frankly, I think I'm done. That doesn't mean I think Tooth Fairy is a terrible film. It's just so generic that its forgettable, and The Rock should be anything but forgettable. So yeah, you got great teeth, but that's no reason to do this kind of film and me and the millions of your other fans would love to see another action flick from you, because a generic action flick starring The Rock is 10 times better than a generic family film because your talents are wasted here. Sincerely your fan, Joshua Lew.
  • This movie is filled with awful puns concerning everyone's indentured gum servants, the teeth, or rather just one of said teeth. "The Tooth Hurts." "You can't Handle the Tooth." "The whole Tooth and nothing but the Tooth." And yes, all those are said by Mr. Johnson. Wait, there are still more terrible puns, but at least these aren't Tooth based, but rather fairy based. "Fairy Krishnas" (for Hare Krishnas) and my favorite, "Who wrote the fairy evolution? Charles Dar-wing?" Please dear god, make it stop.
  • The Rock in a tuto and one inch tall with a high pitched voice being scared of cats. Some things are just not meant to be seen.
  • Why does Dame Julie Andrews keep starring in these "Disney" type films. I mean your name starts with Dame!! Come on! Penny says all you've ever really done is The Sound of Music. She clearly doesn't know what the hell she's talking about and even if you only did one movie, who the hell cares, it's the f-n Sound of Music. But you still look damn good for a fairy godmother.
  • On that note, why Billy Crystal? Why be the "Q", the gadget-man of fairy-land? I get that you aren't the same Billy Crystal I remember from my childhood of City Slickers and When Harry Met Sally but come on! You're not even Throw Momma From the Train Billy Crystal anymore.
  • Ashley Judd still looks ridiculously hot, but now in a MILF kind of way. But yeah, I can't remember the last movie I saw her in? 2006's Bug? If so, then nice, that was a damn fine movie. Scary and gross as all hell.
  • And lastly, the movie was funny, heartfelt and heartwarming at times so there is that. The little guy rising up, taking a chance on yourself, [insert other generic family drama feeling] but it wasn't enough to make this movie more than just for the bored kids at home.

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