What I Think Of: Alien from L.A. (1988)

Keeping with the Aliens motive...okay, I'll just stop right here. The only thing in common would be the title, because as you can see from the poster, the title, and the star of the movie, this is going to be a gem. What a gem it is too, and I don't mean in a good way. This movie was watched via MST3K, like all bad movies should be watched, and it does not disappoint. Essentially, Kathy Ireland plays a nerd-ish teenager with an archaeologist father who goes missing. It's up to Wanda to find her father from the mysterious underground civilization, as well as shed her nerd-ish looks and transform into Kathy Ireland. First of all, there's no need to say that the acting is terrible because #1, it's Kathy Ireland, #2, I just mentioned it's an MST3K movie, and #3, it's Kathy Ireland. This movie has no real redeeming qualities whatsoever, except the laughs you get from watching it via Crow, Tom Servo, and Mike Nelson. I'd like to say the production value of the movie isn't all that half bad, but it's just hard to think of anything good about the movie itself. So lets move on to the director, Albert Pyun.

To read this man's directorial filmography is like reading down a check list of pure shame. However, three or four gems of his just seemed to catch my eye. Apparently, Albert Pyun directed the sequel to one of the host of the Podcast's favorite movies of all time, Kickboxer. Yes, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back and Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor were both directed by this man, who was amazingly enough not good, or bad, enough to direct Kickboxer 3: The Art Of War. Pyun also directed the 1989 Van Damme movie Cyborg, as well as the 1990 Captain America movie, which is really all that needs to be said about the quality of his work. Needless to say, Alien from L.A. is no exception to this man's "vision" and should be avoided if possible, unless you want a good laugh from an awful, awful movie.

-Greg

What I Think Of: Red Zone Cuba (1966)

Now, if you're an avid listener of the Cinema Cafe Podcast, you know that both myself and Josh think that Manos: The Hands of Fate, is the worst movie ever made, which it is. However, if I had to pick a second worst film ever made, it would probably be Red Zone Cuba, also know as Night Train to Mundo Fine. Sorry Wild Wild World of Batwoman, but this film would be my Number 2. To say this movie is bad is a gross, GROSS understatement. I'm watched practically all of the MST3K gems, but this one holds a candle. Essentially, this escaped convict and his ex-con buddies are on the run and decide to enlist in the military to take part in the 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion for cash. I don't want to spoil the rest for you, not to mention the fact that it doesn't matter since the movie makes no sense whatsoever. In terms of continuity, time, and editing, this is simple one of the worst things I've ever seen. Granted, I'm not saying you have to show a long plane scene flying to and from Cuba, but there are scenes where it literally jumps from Cuba back to the US, with no take off or landing or anything. If you watch it, you'll know what I'm talking about. Now, this sparkling gem of a film is written, directed, and produced by Coleman Francis, who also stars in the movie. Obviously, just writing, directing, and producing wasn't enough for him. Just to give you an example of how bad he is as a writer, director, and producer, Coleman Francis has two other films, The Skydivers & The Beast Of Yucca Flats, that have also been shown on MST3K. Not one, not two, but THREE films shown on a TV show dedicated to showing you the worst of the worst, which this film clearly is. Seriously, it's hard to even recommend this movie for people who like to torture their brain, as I obviously love doing. This movie is beyond painful. Only watch at your own risk.

What I Think Of: Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders (1996)

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. Where do I begin? Well first, I'll just let you know that I watched this via Mystery Science Theater 3000, and like any MST3K viewing, I'm watching it to see what kind of cinematic torture my brain can handle. Needless to say, I was shocked to see that this god awful film came out in 1996, cause it looks like a bad 80's movie. The plot? Umm, I'm still working on that. Oh wait, I've got it. Ernest Borgnine, the "star" of the film plays a Grandfather telling his grandson about how Merlin from Arthurian legend opens up a shop of, you guessed it, Mystical Wonders, in order to bring magic and wonder back to the modern era. How does Merlin do this? By letting loose pure demonic evil onto two families, in two separate, horrific stories told by Ernest. This cesspool of a flick was written, directed, and produced by one Kenneth J. Berton, who has not written, directed, or produced anything since. Quite frankly, the world is better off because of that fact. This is the worst of the worst, and only should be watched via MST3K, to get the most enjoyment out of it. Like all MST3K films, watch at your own risk!

-Greg